Tuesday, December 30, 2008

SF Part 2

Ok....so when I last left off....we left China town and headed to our hotel. When we got off the Trolley...the hotel was right there! How happy was that? That is when I thought about how independent I am and how I am not afraid of trying new things or seeing new places. So we checked in and went to Fisherman's Wharf. Here are some things we saw...
Alcatraz...from a distance...
The best bread company....yummy....you should have smelled it....
They made sourdough bread into things like crabs and alligators. So cute!
And of course we had to talk with some more locals. This guy was kind loud but we listened to what he had to say. Afterwards, we got ourselves some fresh crab, and went back to our room and ate! Yummy. The next day we headed back to the SF Center and went shopping. Then back to the airport and back home. Here is one of my favorite pictures...I just love the door leading to paths unknown. I think I am going to be opening a few more of these this coming year....
Well, tomorrow I am off to NYC to see my love and have a very Happy New Year! I have decided to do Misty Mawn's challenge for a daily art journal for January. I need something to get me creative again... I need someone to hold me accountable so if I don't post a pic for the day of my journal page yell at me! LOL






Friday, December 26, 2008

Stuff

There has been quite a bunch of snow here in Vegas lately....No this picture was not taken in Las Vegas, but up at Mount Charleston where they have had a few feet of snow in the past few weeks. We went up there last weekend and I snapped this picture of Megan and her boyfriend Jack. It was fun playing in the snow. I had never been up to Mt. Charleston when there was snow. Can you believe that I have lived here for 13 years and never once went up there... It is only a 40 minute drive. It's funny how life just passes you by if you let it. I am choosing not to let it anymore. Life is meant to live, not just sit on the sidelines and watch it roll past. I suppose that is why I have not been as active on my blog lately. I have been too busy with life at the moment. Being "in love" has kept me very very busy. I will be thinking of my goals for this coming year and posting them here. This past year has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Even with all the bad stuff...I wouldn't change a thing. I am enjoying the ride....

Friday, December 19, 2008

Self Honesty

Last night during a conversation I was told that even 20 years ago, I have always been strong, independent and a risk taker. Every time I am told that I tend to shrug it off as if they didn't know what was really inside me, they didn't know the "real" me. But maybe they knew me better than I did. The other day, my ex had to go help his girlfriends daughter out of the snow. He ended up taking the truck, so Megan was with out a vehicle for a day. I was irritated. In being honest with myself, I was annoyed because he had to go play the "hero". Had to rescue the damsel in distress. And I guess in the end, that is why our marriage ended. Because I didn't "need" him. And that is what he "needs". And that brought me to my realization...my self honesty...and trust me...it's not an easy pill to swallow. Way back when....I "dumbed myself down" to get a man. There, I said it. I played the helpless female that I so despise these days. And in reflecting, I see how many problems it caused in our marriage. We always fought about my ambition, my drive to be better, to do more. But now...I don't have to do that anymore. I am free to be me. Who I really am. And if men or anyone else is afraid of that...then I don't need them. And if someone asks "Who does she think she is?" I will tell them...I am Cindy Dean! I am strong, proud, independent and a free spirit....take me as I am....

Monday, December 15, 2008

From my perspective…

This past weekend…Jennifer and I were spontaneous…we hopped on a plane and went to San Francisco. No plans…just hotel reservations…and no idea how we were going to get to the hotel once we got there. As with all my trips recently, there seems to be something that I realize while I am on them. This time…I rediscovered that I am a risk taker…I am not afraid of new things. I am independent. I am strong. Who needs men??? LOL In my daily job, I work in a world of old school men. Men who view women as the weaker sex. I am constantly barraged with all the male chauvinistic bullshit and sometimes I tend to forget that I am not “just” a woman. I struggle with this issue on a constant basis. I go between, why do I struggle to get to the top when if I put my efforts into something else in a different field, I could get so much further…to…it’s a great job…just learn to shut your mouth and take the money and run. That is my problem I think these days….I am struggling with this once again…obviously I have not worked out my issues. But I have run off on a tangent…back to the trip… Ok…first off….Jennifer screwed us all up by ASSuming that the flight was leaving out of the C gates…LOL So we went all the way there and then looked at the departure board and what did we find??? That the plane was leaving from the B gates. LOL So…back through security we went. And let me tell ya…Jennifer is the slowest person I know. She likes to call it relaxed, but damn girl…put a snap in your step!! So anyways, when we arrived at the airport, we decided to ride the BART. That is the train/subway/public transportation in SF. We didn’t know what the hell we were doing but someone gave us a little help and we were on our way. First stop…Union Square. Holy crap…big malls, big stores, big big big! While in Union Square, Jennifer proceeded to tell me all about a sign that had David Beckem’s package on it…right in front of a SF cop who proceeded to look at us like we were nuts! LOL Then Jennifer tells me it’s this way to Chinatown….it’s only up a HILL! So we walked UP to Chinatown…by the time we got there…my feet were killing me. So we decided to eat lunch. Yummy….We ate at the Cathey House. The Potstickers were huge! I even did the tea thing as I figured to live for the experience. We didn’t even eat all of our lunch as we were too full from the appetizers! Next we headed off to old St Mary’s Cathedral. What a beautiful church…and the windows were gorgeous. By this time…I had to do something about my shoes….so we got me a little pair of Chinese slippers. The best 3 bucks I spent! LOL Next stop...a small Chinese tea shop where the very nice gentleman taught us all about tea and how to make it.He was quite the character and told us all about how his wife loves Las Vegas-especially the Chippendale's! LOL Of course we ran into some locals. They were having quite the feast. I asked Jen if she wanted to join them but she said no...too full from lunch...LOL
We hit a few bead shops while there and of course I spent money...can't I just say no??? We decided that it was now time to start heading down to our hotel....but I will finish the rest of the story in my next post! Stay tuned...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Thoughts for the day...

As I lay in bed this morning waiting for the alarm to go off...don't ask why I do that...I was thinking about my marriage. And I was thinking that it's only been 5 months since our split. Shouldn't I be feeling more than I am feeling about it? Shouldn't I feel sad? Shouldn't I feel regret for it's end? 18 years of togetherness...shouldn't it have been harder to dismiss the past from my life? If I don't feel all that...what does that mean? Was I just fooling myself all those years? When I think back and look for the good times together...the only ones that I remember the feeling of love for him are the ones before we got married. All the good times after the marriage involved the kids. I always thought I tried to make time for just us...but I guess it wasn't enough. Is that how it is? You have kids and then you forget about each other? I am thinking too much obviously...but that is how I get when I get in these moods...I over analyze. Then I start to think about my love now. How did I survive without it before? I tell him everything...probably more than he wants to hear...LOL. It feels like there was no 20 year gap. How did I survive all those years keeping all of myself in and not sharing...amazing differences. Night and Day.... I like how I feel now alot better....I feel like myself once again....

So today I am off on an adventure....stay tuned to see where I go...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

This is how I feel today…dark clouds hanging over my head…not quite dark enough for a thunderstorm, more like a drizzle (tears) and sadness…. I know what it is….yet there is nothing that can be done about it right now….only time…. I hate this kind of weather….but I know that the sun will come out tomorrow or the next day. Such is life…with its ups and downs. How would we know the good times if we didn’t experience the bad?

The day did not start off this way…I actually was thinking pretty positive. I was thinking about how far I have come and how when I set my mind to things, I can do anything. Nothing is impossible; you just have to try for it. I also thought about how much like my father I am. As much as I hate to admit that I am….When I achieve a certain level of success in my work and my art, I tend to get bored and start off onto something new even though I haven’t reached the top. I guess I decide that it is not really what I wanted after all….I am on a continual search for that elusive thing….that one thing that will hold my attention for a long time. Is it out there? Will I find my true calling? Or am I destined to search…maybe the searching is what I like….the discovery of new things…I don’t know…I feel lost right now…directionless….torn….I guess I am at a Y in the road…which way do I go????

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Hollow-Empty-No Soul

That is how I felt today...like I don't have a heart....no feelings....empty. Have you ever had days like that? I guess it might be the combination of still being sick and all the different medication I am taking. I just felt like I didn't have any compassion for anybody today and that is not like me. I just wanted to escape into my own shell and not care about anything or anybody. At some points I even took pleasure in someone Else's screw up. Sorry Jennifer...LOL...good thing you have tough skin. It's a very weird feeling to me, this not caring thing. Hopefully I will get some sleep and the regular Cindy will return....cause I sure don't want this one to stick around...I would have no friends left if she did! Well...Jennifer might stick around...she likes me even when I am a crank. So goodnight and here's to wishing for the nice Cindy to return....

P.S. I will create something this weekend...otherwise I might fade into oblivion...so stay tuned...

Monday, December 8, 2008

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...

I am just sick...I go to the Dr. today because it's not going away! Yucky...sniffle, sniffle.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Aruba Art

So while I was sitting on the beach by our room on day, I decided to take the opportunity to create something. So here it is...
I used Pitt Pens to do this and I had limited colors, so I was pretty happy with the way this turned out since I had to be creative to get the different shades of color. I really think that this coming year I am going to focus on painting and drawing in my art...I really enjoy it. I think my favorite part is how it goes through it's ugly phase and you think oh this is gonna suck but the more you work at it and the more detail you add...the more beautiful it becomes...

Monday, December 1, 2008

Aruba...how beautiful it was...

My trip to Aruba was incredible... On each trip I take, I try and take in as much as I can and I also end up learning more about myself in the process. The place we stayed at had the most beautiful views...
Here is the view from our room:
How can you not love that? Of course, when I go places I always check out the locals.
Some of them even remind me of things that I already know but sometimes forget... Like...it's ok to be alone...it gives you time to reflect and think...
And some remind me that it's ok to be different...to stand out in a crowd...be who you are...
Megan even got to touch one of these little guys. They were all over the place.
I also learned to accept the fact that I am forever the hopeless romantic no matter how old I am.
And I know....that I will always, always, no matter what happens with us in the future....love this man as he is my best friend...

I leave you with this beautiful picture taken on our last night there...kind of appropriate...Sailing off into the sunset....

And the winner is...

Jamie said...
What a wonderful photo! I see the heart but I also look at this as two different trees standing tall -together! What a wonderful image. And how important it is for us to stop and really notice what is right in front of us. And I adore your giveaway flower.

That is what I saw in this picture...was the heart shining through the trees... Congrats Jamie!