Sunday, March 1, 2009

What happens to plans?

8 Months ago, my life was turned upside down...due to my marriage crumbling before my very eyes... At that time I knew I would be ok because I knew that in general, I can deal with anything. I have before and I have come out better for it. And I am ok...but I am not...oh what is the word I am looking for...full of life! I am missing something....I feel empty...I have a sense of wanting to run away from life....and do what I want to do...Is that wrong?I pretty much had my life laid out...I knew that certain things would never be because of who I was with and I was ok with that. I had made that choice 17 years prior. But now...I don't know what I want to do with my life. I am looking down the long road and saying...what do you really want Cindy? The possibilities are endless. But at the same time, I do have responsibilities, and love and kids... I feel like I need to start a new plan...I am just an emotional mess because I feel trapped by my need to not be like my father and to do the right and responsible things in life when all I really want to do is run and be free...free to do what Cindy wants, free to discover new things in life, free of feeling like this. I married for the first time when I was 17. I have never had a time in my life when I did things just for me. Now that my daughter is about to graduate from High School, and I am no longer "married" (not that the divorce is final yet) I want to do things for me. I am just so conflicted over this. Do I need a plan? My sisters are probably thinking...when has she ever had a plan! LOL But little do they know that I always think about all the possible outcomes of my actions. And I always have a plan B or a plan C in case things don't work out like I want...which has happened on many occasions. I am good at going with the flow and changing mid route because I have always thought about the different outcomes. But maybe, just maybe...I should just go wherever the wind blows me....seize the opportunities that are placed before me....and see where they lead me instead of me trying to control where they go... As I wrote that I thought of this piece of art I created awhile ago... Maybe I should take Mark Twain's advice....

5 comments:

Beverly Ash Gilbert said...

I think it is so normal that you want to 'run away from life' especially since you have been responsible your entire adult life. How healthy that you are asking yourself all of these questions, are unsure of where you are and where you want to go.

My vote is to go with the wind! Some day you will look back and be thankful for this growth period, even though now there is a lot of pain and self doubt.

I look forward to meeting you at Art & Soul!

abbymaya said...

This post really resonated with me. I feel like I just want to walk away from all the day to day responsibilities and run wild in the world. I love my husband, puppies and the house but I want to just pack them all up and head out to see what's out there that doesn't involve a mortgage, cable bills, wireframes or meetings "with the agency". I think this is one reason I'm constantly planning the next vacation. :) It's amazing how your journey is really connecting people and that you seem to embrace all that the world has to offer. Can't wait to see where your ship takes you.

Nerissa Alford said...

Hi there my friend! I've been thinking about you. You deserve to take care of yourself & enjoy life. It was something I had to work on because I felt so guilty taking time out for myself. I think I'm a better mom & wife because I have my me time.
Things always seem to work out & I have no doubt that the will for you.
I'm looking forward to seeing you at Art & Soul :)
Nerissa

Kim Mailhot said...

Being at a crossroads is never easy, is it ? Especially when you arrive there with lots of grief and guilt baggage on your back. My circumstances are very different from yours and yet, I find myself at a similar place, carrying comparable burdens.
I say I feel like a dreamer without a dream. How do I find my way ? Maybe like you, I will try giving up the road and its burdens, and head out to sea...and let those winds carry me for awhile...Maybe I will see you out there !
May your Sails be full!

Kerri Jean said...

I could have written almost the same words myself Cindy. Even when I remind myself that I am in a much better place than I was last year at this time, I am still restless and I don't know how to answer the questions of what I really really want. And give myself permission, once that question is answered, to just go for it. It's uncomfortable. I am sure your search will yield what you are looking for, but it's not without angst, is it?