Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Feeling Melancholy

mel·an·chol·y (měl'ən-kŏl'ē)

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom
2. Pensive reflection or contemplation.



This morning I woke up in this mood…I can’t really explain why. There has been so much going on in my life lately that sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I get into these moods more than I care to admit. I try so hard not to let others see my weakness…or what I call one of my weaknesses. Everyone always thinks I am this pillar of strength because on the outside, I can put on this show…as my sisters like to call it now, the “Cindy Show”. Only the people closest to me will really know when I am down or upset…well…maybe that’s not true…the people who piss me off will know too! LOL I am much more tolerant of stupid people when I am not “melancholy”.

At this moment in time…I could easily break down into tears if I let myself. I am trying to figure out where my sadness stems from…maybe today, maybe this week; I am still mourning the loss of my grandmother. Some people would wonder why this has affected me so much since she was not a big part of my life….but maybe I am mourning the loss of what could have been. As I listened to everyone at her funeral speak of her, I learned more about her. Learned that I did not know this side of her. That I had let me perception of her be governed by what my parents had said for many many years. But reading letters from my parents to my grandparents was eye opening. Now I have seen with my own eyes what my parents are really like...how dishonest and conniving they are. So, I guess I am just filled with regrets… I know I can not change the past, but I can still grieve over the loss of what could have been. I know that I will get past this as I have much to live for and a bright future ahead.

But for today….I am melancholy…..

6 comments:

Kim Mailhot said...

Sometimes we have to let ourselves feel these sad things...often we pretend that everything is ok or think that we have to pretend... but really mourning is a process, which means there are steps to go through, and each one of us does the steps in our own way and in our own time. You have a right to your sadness. You have a right to mourn your loss and your regrets.
(Wow, I think I am writing this to myself as much as I am writing it to you !)
I hope your sadness will ebb away in your time and that you get many squishy hugs along the way to help you through.

Laurel said...

Dear Cindy,
Everything that Kim said is absolutely true - mourning is a process that each of us experiences in her own way. Give yourself time to experience it, move through it and to heal. And if it begins to seem like too much, please seek help. I have lived with clinical depression for many years, and know that support is invaluable. Right there wit'cha, kid.
Laurel
www.laurelsteven.blogspot.com

Shelly said...

You will get through this because you are that pillar, even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Kim IS right. At times, you just need to work though your funk. Mourning is different for everyone. While you may have your regrets about your grandmother and your parents, but remember you will ALWAYS have those wonderful memories of your grandmother too. And wonderful friends like Jen to help you remember. :-)

Jen Crossley said...

Cindy DOnt fight it girl we all have these days.Mourning takes different forms for different people.There are alot of people who care for you
Jen

Lynn said...

Cindy-
Please don't feel like you have to go thru this alone. You can tallk to me. I share some of those same feelings. I reached out during one of the saddest times in my life. And you were all there. Love ya so much!
Lynn

HappyDayArt! said...

Oh Cindy, you'll be O.K. There really was nothing you could ever do about it. That story played out way before you were someone who ran their own life. Now it is just some drama that isn't even happening now, just in your head or the paper in those letters. How can you have regrets if you did nothing wrong? All you can do is forgive and THANK GOD YOU TURNED OUT THE WAY YOU DID given the questionable circumstances surrounding your childhood. YOU are a gem. That's MY story and I'm sticking to it!

Catherine