1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom
2. Pensive reflection or contemplation.
This morning I woke up in this mood…I can’t really explain why. There has been so much going on in my life lately that sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming and I get into these moods more than I care to admit. I try so hard not to let others see my weakness…or what I call one of my weaknesses. Everyone always thinks I am this pillar of strength because on the outside, I can put on this show…as my sisters like to call it now, the “Cindy Show”. Only the people closest to me will really know when I am down or upset…well…maybe that’s not true…the people who piss me off will know too! LOL I am much more tolerant of stupid people when I am not “melancholy”.
At this moment in time…I could easily break down into tears if I let myself. I am trying to figure out where my sadness stems from…maybe today, maybe this week; I am still mourning the loss of my grandmother. Some people would wonder why this has affected me so much since she was not a big part of my life….but maybe I am mourning the loss of what could have been. As I listened to everyone at her funeral speak of her, I learned more about her. Learned that I did not know this side of her. That I had let me perception of her be governed by what my parents had said for many many years. But reading letters from my parents to my grandparents was eye opening. Now I have seen with my own eyes what my parents are really like...how dishonest and conniving they are. So, I guess I am just filled with regrets… I know I can not change the past, but I can still grieve over the loss of what could have been. I know that I will get past this as I have much to live for and a bright future ahead.
But for today….I am melancholy…..